The Challenges of Step-Parenting (2024)

• Agree to some key ground rules with your partner about family routines and expectations.
• Make sure parent-child relationships are on solid footing and give kids time to adjust.
• Remember to support each other as co-parents and set aside time to stay connected as a couple.

After a few years of dating, Ben and Amanda have decided to combine their families—Ben’s son, Mark, and his daughter Kim; and Amanda’s one son, Mike. Because they both are divorced and are doing alternating weekends with their exes, they have one weekend free for themselves, but the next is a three-kid circus. And it’s been hard: arguments among the kids, accommodating their different ages and interests, trying to work together as a couple but not doing a good job of it.

These are difficult challenges … and common. According to statistics, 16% of American children currently live in stepfamilies, and up to 40% of us have some family connection to a stepparent. What are those challenges? Here are some of the common ones.

Blending of cultures

Each family has its own family culture—the Friday go-out-for-pizza night can clash with the game night or family movie night. Or about chores—everyone works for an hour together on chores, or no, each child is assigned a chore he needs to get done sometime in the week. The list could go on and on. Children and teens are sensitive to changes in routine and this can easily become a problem—whose culture and routines will win out?

The melding of kid personalities

While Mark and Mike are the same age, they couldn’t be more different—sports vs. books, introvert vs. extrovert. Not only do they seem to have little in common, but they are butting heads. Within the original family, because of age difference and time, this melding of personalities eventually worked out; now they are a problem.

Hard vs. easy parent

This is where it can get tricky. As a single parent, Amanda's parenting style with Mike was a bit laid back. Ben, on the other hand, is more the drill-sergeant type—lots of structure, in bed by 9. Ben comes on board and complains that Amanda isn’t being strict enough with Mike; Amanda thinks Ben is a bit too tough on his kids. A battle ensues.

Tension from the exes

Some divorced couples seem to spend more time together battling each other in court than they ever spent together when married. This type of stress is not only a financial drain on the new relationship but an emotional one as well. Ben, for example, feels like he is always looking over his shoulder, restricting what he can and cannot do so as not to create an uproar in Amanda’s ex. Such stress filters down to the children, who must learn to fit into two worlds. Some children do their best to walk the fine line between them, while others stake out a primary allegiance with the natural parent and pile more resentment and stress on the stepparent.

Less couple-time

Forming a new relationship when you already have children is sort of like hopping on a train while it is moving. Unlike the first relationship, which usually gives the couple time to focus on themselves and their needs, the focus this time around is filled with additional distractions and demands. They are rapidly feeling on those busy weekends that they are no longer a couple but struggling parents of a gaggle of kids.

All this is understandable and normal. No, maybe it's not realistic for Ben and Amanda to expect them all to turn into the Brady Bunch, but how to do get to be settled, sane and happy?

Get on the same parenting page

It starts here. Yes, your individual styles may be different—Ben is blunter, Amanda might want to explain or cajole more—but you both need to agree on bottom lines—the rules, routines, expectations. If you don’t it’s too easy to fall into the easy/hard split, the kids play one parent against the other, you get into arguing about how to treat each other’s kids and wind up creating silos—you and your kids vs. me and mine. Not a pretty picture.

Take a back seat

The rule of thumb here is that you want to build a relationship before moving into a disciplinary role. How does this translate? Here Ben and Amanda agree that they need to tighten up the routines to create more structure, or set firmer bedtimes all around. Great! That said, Ben shouldn’t be the one to jump on Mike when he is dragging on getting to bed, nor should Amanda be the one to lead Ben’s kids through the forced march of homework at Week 1.

Instead Ben needs to work on building a relationship with Mike, Amanda with Ben’s kids to avoid that “you’re not my mother/father” response from the kids. Once the relationship with kids all around is on solid footing, Ben and Amanda can gradually step up as co-parents with equal say.

Cover each other’s back

While they may each step back for some time, they can still be a support to each other. As Amanda, for example, starts to take a more structured approach with Mike, she can also expect some blow-back from him. Here, she may need some emotional backup from Ben to help her hold firm. The key is her saying what she needs—that Ben, perhaps, just comes in stands next to her when Mike pushes back—rather than Ben simply taking over. Ditto for Ben in terms of support from Amanda.

And on those crazy Saturdays, this is also where Ben and Amanda check in with each other throughout the day—a quick how-you-doing or hug—just to feel connected and keep working as a team.

Help the kids work out differences

Again, you want to avoid creating parent-child silos where Ben finds himself inadvertently taking his daughter's side in her argument with Mike. As much as possible let the kids work out their differences themselves, and if they come to you, be a mediator rather than a judge.

Set aside couple-time

Use it or lose it. Unless you carve out that time as a couple, especially on those crazy kid-filled nights and weekends, it’s easy to wind up being only full-time parents and run on auto-pilot.

Making that transition to being a stepfamily takes time and patience. The keys here are to work together as a team, think "our" family not "your-kid-my-kid," cover each other’s back, be the parents you are. And if you get too stuck—overwhelmed, can’t get on the same page—don’t hesitate to get some outside help. Solve those problems before they become too entrenched.

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